He wouldn't say boo to a goose...

As a writer, one of the things I love about the English language is its richness.  Characters, objects, even scenes can be described in such an interesting and adventurous way using rich vocabulary that the writer is able to paint a fabulous picture in the head of the reader.

When I was a teacher in international schools, I would love to watch as children who were learning English as a second language grew in confidence and developed their range of vocabulary to include not just one word for what they wished to say, but two, three or sometimes even more.

Whenever these children would sit down to write a story, or even to produce a piece of non-fiction writing, out would come the thesaurus, and up would go their hands, as they searched for the perfect alternative to an ordinary or boring sounding word. 

Since most of my years in teaching were spent with children in Year 4 to Year 6, most of them knew of the different words types, e.g. verbs or doing words, nouns or naming words, adjectives or describing words, and adverbs or word describing a verb.  Some of the more advanced writers even knew about such things as proper nouns a word used to describe a person, place or organisation, and collective nouns a word describing a group of individuals.

The English language is rich with colourful and exciting words, as I’m sure other languages are too, but some of them are also just downright funny.  I was watching one of my favourite comedians while I was eating my breakfast this morning and he was talking about words and phrases that he found amusing.  Some of them are quite new, but some of them date back centuries to a time when people spoke very differently and used phrases that people nowadays no longer know the meaning of.

Here are just some of my favourite funny phrases from the past.

He wouldn’t say boo to a goose  

           

This was used to describe someone who was shy or timid and comes from as far back as the 16th Century. At that time a goose was thought to be a stupid bird, and saying boo in a loud or frightening way to a goose, or a child, was thought to be less brave than anything else.  This meant that very shy people were said to be so timid that they were not even able to say boo to a goose. 

You can do it until you’re blue in the face  

           

This one means that you can do something over and over again, but you are wasting your efforts, as you won’t get the result you want.

There were more (something’s) than you can shake a stick at     

       

This is one of my favourites, and could have meant that there were so many of something that you would have been unable to point or shake a counting stick at them, so you simply couldn’t count them all.

He’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail     

This one means that the person would return in the length of time it would take a lamb to shake its tail.

I’ll be back in a jiffy

This one is from way back in the 18^th Century and was first used by thieves to describe lightning, which possibly means that it means that someone will be back in the time taken for lightening to strike.  

If you do know any old or new funny sayings, you can email them to me and I will mention them and you on the website.           

It's a Purple Day Here in Thailand

If you visit or live in Thailand it’s hard not to notice the mass of pictures of the Thai King and Queen everywhere you go. Bhumibol Adulyadej, the King of Thailand, also known as Rama IX, and his wife Queen Sirikit are loved by everyone in this country and it is probably to fair to say that every home has framed photographs of the beloved royals on its walls.  It doesn’t end there either; you can’t drive far down any road in this nation without seeing a larger-than-life size photograph of the much beloved King and Queen standing magnificently on the central reservation of roads or in other prominent positions on the roadside.

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A young boy in a yellow T-shirt proudly holds up King's photo

When it was the King of Thailand’s birthday back in December 2014, special yellow T-shirts commemorating the occasion were on sale in every street for weeks beforehand.  Everyone bought one; they really do love their king here in Thailand!

​​It’s now April and the incredibly popular Songkran water festival is fast approaching.  Every year the Thai population look forward to this huge festival, but not before they have celebrated the birthday of their other favourite royal.  Her Royal Highness Princess Maha Chakri Sirindhorn’s birthday is today and the Thais are going crazy.  Born in 1955, this year their beloved princess celebrates her 60th birthday.  It’s a very exciting day for Thais!

The Thais love their festivals and Songkran is no exception.  Many Thais will throw themselves wholeheartedly into the festival and will dress up in brightly coloured Hawaiian style shirts and shorts for the festival… and much, much more.  But as excited as they may be about the upcoming Songkran festival, their special Hawaiian shorts and shirts will stay safely tucked away in their drawers until after today. 

Her Royal Highness Princess Maha Chakri Sirindhorn

Today is about the nation's favourite princess.  Of course, T-shirt makers here in Thailand have been in an absolute frenzy and have created a variety of T-shirt designs to help the population celebrate the special birthday of their favourite princess.

​Apparently, sales of the special celebratory purple T-shirts have gone through the roof and many Thais will have bought several different designs so that they can wear them throughout the month of April to show their love and devotion for this favourite and incredibly popular princess.

If you haven’t bought a commemorative purple T-shirt I would advise you to stay indoors because you’re going to look right out of place.  Only an April fool would be seen out today in anything other than a nice purple T-shirt!   


Anyway, gotta go, I’m off to the market to buy a new T-shirt.  Can you guess what colour it is? 

Doggy Wagons and Umbrellas

I try to go to the beach every day if I can.  I’ve always loved the beach.  It’s one of the reasons I came to live here in Hua Hin, instead of Bangkok.  I feel relaxed and happy whenever I go to the beach.  I think it’s all that water.  There is something very relaxing about watching the waves breaking on the shore, and hearing them lapping gently on the sand.

Kite Surfers Zipping Over the Waves

I love big powerful waves, and I love to go surfing.  I love to lie on a surfboard and let a large wave push me along, feeling the power of the wave propelling me towards the beach.  Sadly, the waves here in Hua Hin are very small, and there is no surfing, unless you count kite surfing. 

Well, the waves may not be very strong here, but the wind along our beach blows a gale.  At this time of year, on very windy days, the sky is full of huge, brightly coloured kites, with people standing on small surfboards zipping across the surface of the ocean as their enormous kites drag them along.

Check out the doggy trolley

You can see some crazy things at the beach if you're observant enough.  I always thought it was funny when I saw people in the United States and Europe carrying their little dogs around in special little doggy-handbags, but a few weeks ago I saw a group of people who were taking a bunch of tiny dogs to the beach, in two luxury doggy-trolleys.

Then, a few days ago I was walking along the beach when I saw a young woman carrying her pet in a shoulder bag and I began to chuckle to myself at the thought of another pampered pooch being carried in a doggy bag.  But then on closer inspection, I saw that this was no cheeky Chihuahua. Instead it was a beautiful white cockatoo.  

The lady’s name was Ae and her bird was called Ahom.  She told me that it was actually called an umbrella cockatoo.  As Ahom sat on his owner’s leg, and proudly preened his feathers, Ae turned to me and said, “He’s always happy here; he loves it at the beach.”  I had to smile.  Well, I can’t argue with that!

Ae with her umbrella cockatoo

I've seen some strange things on beaches, but there is one thing I'd love to know... What’s the strangest thing that you’ve ever seen on the beach?  Why not leave a comment and tell us about it?

Pee-Green Pools and Special Ears

Early warning radar system

Who knew I was the owner of such special ears?  Certainly not me!  In fact if anything, I have been getting less and less thrilled with my ears lately as my hearing just isn’t what it used to be.  And so, when my ears turned out to be special in other ways, I was more than a little surprised.

By the time World War II began in 1939, many countries had already developed an early warning system known as RADAR, which could be used to warn a country’s defences of an attack by enemy bombers or battle ships.

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​​By the time World War II began in 1939, many countries had already developed an early warning system known as RADAR, which could be used to warn a country’s defences of an attack by enemy bombers or battle ships.

Seventy-five years later and my special ears just acted as my own early warning system.  As some of you may know, I begin each day with what I hope is a healthy session in the swimming pool, and I swim a kilometre every day before breakfast... well usually.  

On Monday morning this week I went to the pool to swim my kilometre.  Thirty minutes later I got out of the pool, removed my goggles, showered quickly, and then went home for breakfast, feeling rather pleased with myself after completing my 40 laps.

Not getting out to go to the bathroom is just lazy... it's wrong

It wasn’t until after breakfast that I noticed that my ears still felt like they were full of water and everything sounded a bit funny.  By early afternoon I had earache in both my ears and I knew that I had the beginnings of an ear infection, and probably from the water in the pool.

​Did you know that in a survey in the United States, one in five Americans said they pee in swimming pools? But you can’t just blame the Americans for peeing in swimming pools, because everyone else is probably doing it too. That means that if all the people of other countries are peeing in pools too, there may be as many as one and half billion people in the world who don't think twice about peeing in swimming pools.  And it isn’t just ordinary people that are doing it either.  When asked, almost all of the world’s top competitive swimmers admitted that they pee in the pool too – and that they do it regularly.  OMG, it’s really a wonder there’s a clean swimming pool anywhere in the world!

Yuk, it’s disgusting!  and not only that.  It also messes around with how well the chlorine added to the pool to kill harmful germs can do its job.  If too many people pee in the pool, or dive in while they are all sweaty or covered in sunscreen, it can mean that there is less chlorine to kill all those nasty germs… and that's when we can get sick from swimming in the pool.

The beautiful orca mosaic... on cleaner days

Luckily, my special “early warning system” ears warned me that something was not quite right with my local swimming pool, and I haven’t had another morning swim since Monday, when my ears first began to ache.  By Tuesday morning the water looked like a dirty green lake and it was no longer possible to see the mosaic dolphin on the bottom of the pool in the shallow end and the owners were forced to close the pool for two days.

For the whole of Tuesday, the pool man was busy trying to turn the cloudy green water back into a clean and healthy pool again, and it was working too.  Unfortunately, and most likely because they didn’t want to turn away the crowds of people who pay to swim (and pee) in the pool, the owners reopened the pool on Wednesday morning, even though the water still looked far from clean yet.

By yesterday afternoon, my earache was completely gone but the pool was packed with hundreds of kids again, and who knows how many of them were back to peeing in the pool again, rather than taking a trip to the poolside bathroom? 

So, even though the water has lost much of its dirty greenness, I’m going to carry on listening to the warning from my special ears (if you know what I mean), and I will not be back in the pool until the water is 100% sparkling clean... and I can see the mosaic dolphin properly once more!                     

Waking up in Venice

Is this Downtown Hua Hin, or Venice?

I’m guessing that the rainy season might have arrived in Hua Hin.  Mind you, since it’s only the end of April, it has come quite early this year. Now, I say the rains have arrived early because I was woken in the middle of Wednesday night by the sound of thunderous rain pounding on my bedroom windows, and I could hear it hammering on the roof of the front yard of my house.  I supposed it could have just been an isolated storm.  Either way, the heavens had opened and the rain was torrential by the sound of it.  Little did I know as I lay in bed, that downtown Hua Hin was now looking like the new Venice.    

                                  

As I slowly woke up and my mind came into sharper focus, I remembered the load of laundry I had left hanging outside the night before.  But, since I had no idea how long it had been raining with such gusto, I decided that the laundry was probably already well and truly soaking wet, and I decided to leave it where it was.  So, rather than make a mad, heroic dash to rescue the laundry from the huge downpour, I chose instead to remain where I was and to listen to the soothing sound of rain drumming on the window.

Later, as I was eating breakfast after a little morning yoga, I had a visit from my good friend Robbert who lives up the street.  He came to me with a sad tale of terrible flooding over at his house. Apparently he had gone downstairs to discover a worrying drip coming from the ceiling in his downstairs bathroom and a growing puddle of water on the floor.  He said he was somewhat relieved that the only real damage from the rains appeared to be a soggy twelve pack of toilet tissues he had bought the day before and that was now sitting in the puddle on the bathroom floor.  

                                                                      

However, when Robbert went back upstairs, he saw water trickling from under the door of his spare bedroom.  Since he had rented out his spare bedroom to two backpacking girls, that he didn’t know very well, he called one of the girls on the telephone and asked her if there were any problems with water leaking into the bedroom through the window.  The telephone went quiet for a minute and when the girl came back she reported that there was actually water all over the bedroom floor. 

Unlike my own house, there is a very large outside balcony off the spare bedroom at Robbert’s house and, in a moment that I can only imagine looked hilariously like the ones you see in cartoons and movies, when Robbert opened the door from the bedroom out onto the balcony, a huge wave of water poured into the bedroom, gushed past him, and surged out of the bedroom door onto the landing.

To Robbert’s horror, when he sploshed back out onto the landing, he saw that water was now cascading like a giant waterfall down his stairs and was pouring into his living room below. 

HMS Flip Flop

When he finally made it downstairs and was standing in the living room, Robbert found that he was now standing in a small indoor lake. A moment later one of his flip flops floated by his feet as it drifted on the current towards the front door.   

                                   

Now I know its terrible to laugh at someone else’s misfortune, but the image of Robbert standing in a lake in the middle of his living room, while a flip flop sailed casually by, was just too much for me to handle and I just had to giggle. 

So yes, I suppose the rainy season has well and truly arrived in Hua Hin.  If you don't believe me, just ask my friend Robbert!

Wet Patch at Cicada Market

On Sunday evening after a busy weekend in Bangkok at an enormous book fair, I was glad to finally be home and to take a long walk along the beach.  I love taking long walks on the beach and at least one of our weekend beach walks almost always ends up with us visiting Cicada.  It's a market that has dozens of stalls that sell everything from hand-painted cushions to knitted dolls and it's one of my favourite weekend places.

          Hand Painted Cushions            Knitted Dolls

I haven't told you this before but I'm just like Charlie from the Countdown Mysteries when it comes to food.  My mother always says that my life is ruled by my stomach and so Cicada wouldn’t be one of my favourite places to visit if it didn’t have an outdoor food court.  It does, and it's spectactular!     

When we arrived at the market I used my keen powers of observation (something all good detectives possess) and noticed that someone had moved the large letters that spell out the name of the market and replaced them with a water feature.  The large white letters had previously been positioned so they appeared to float on the dark surface of a shallow rectangular pond and provided a great opportunity for a quick tourist photograph. 

Cicada Sign in its Temporary New Home         New Waterfall - It's Colossal 

The new water feature is a huge waterfall and must be at least four metres high and no less than eight metres wide.  It’s like a huge curtain of water and I think it's Hua Hin’s answer to the Niagara Falls. It’s humungous, and would also be quite impossible to miss (with or without keen powers of observation).  As my mother would no doubt say, “A blind man on a galloping horse wouldn’t miss that!”

After enjoying a moment to take in the new giant waterfall, we decided to have a stroll around the market.  We set off along the path that meanders through the busy stalls. The market was already busy.  Stallholders were busy selling their goodies to tourists and locals who were doing their bit and were handing over their money with equal excitement. Well, who doesn’t love a market? 

We stopped to watch a young boy named Pae.  He was sitting on a low stool in the middle of a patch of gravel and there was a small crowd standing in silence in front of him.  We held our breath as Pae amazed us with his breathtaking bottle balancing brilliance (how’s that for a spot of alliteration?)  

                                  A hat full of money    Pae creating his balancing bottle sculptures                                          

Taking an empty beer bottle from a large pile behind him, he placed it very carefully on top of another.  With great concentration and patience, and making miniscule adjustments to each bottle, he eventually managed to balance the bottles precariously in a kind of balancing beer bottle sculpture.  When he finally moved his hands from the balancing bottles, they looked as if they had somehow been stuck together in their impossible balancing positions with superglue.  A large white hat sat just in front of Pae on the path, slowly filling with donations from his passing audience.

Lovely Lady Who Makes My Food

We continued on our way along the path until my family were satisfied that we had strolled far enough and then it was finally food time. Yay!  Being creatures of habit we ignored the dozens of other food sellers and instead zoomed over to our usual food stalls.  With a fistful of food coupons we had exchanged for some Thai Baht we soon bought our food and found a free table in amongst the masses of other diners.  With memories of Pae and his balancing bottles still fresh in my mind I sat down to enjoy my chicken biryani and the youngest member of our group decided to demonstrate her own balancing skills by knocking over her soup on the opposite side of the table.  Because of the uneven ground of the food court area the table sloped slightly in my direction.  I watched in horror as the soup ran quickly towards me like a hot river and poured off the table into my waiting lap like a soupy waterfall.  With a rather large wet patch covering the front of my shorts when I stood to leave, I don't have to tell you what it looked like.  Happy days!  

Tasty Spicy Noodles, Yummy!   Chicken biryani, Cicada style

Dinner With One of my Favourite Readers

Before I came to live in Thailand, I lived in Shanghai for a year.  I was teaching at a very large and prestigious international school there, and was lucky enough to be teaching one of the best classes I have ever worked with.

If you’ve never been to China during Chinese New Year, you won’t have any idea just how noisy it is.  Since the Chinese invented fireworks back in the 7th Century, they have banded together as a nation and decided that they should try to let off as many as possible in the weeks around the Chinese New Year festival.  It’s absolutely deafening, and because of this, many expat families living there leave China and seek a little peace and quiet in some other place around the world. 

Sofia, big brother Paolo, and Mum and Dad, managed to escape Shanghai, and the interminable racket of the Chinese fireworks, and came to stay in my very own little town of Hua Hin, here in Thailand.  I should maybe point out that I don’t actually own the town - I just live there.
  
There’s a kind of unwritten rule that teachers are not supposed to have favourites amongst the children in their classes, but Sofia was a child that I simply couldn't help but love to teach. She was bubbly and infectiously happy, intelligent and forever hardworking, all qualities that made her a pleasure to teach.

One of my unofficial favourite pupils, Sofia (on the right)

I was lucky enough to meet up with Sofia and her lovely family during their holiday, when we had dinner at a restaurant down on one of the piers that look out over the ocean.  We had a delicious meal, and ate more food than it should have been possible for seven people to eat, and spent the evening chatting and sharing stories about what has been going on in our lives since we last saw one another.

Sadly, my little friend has now headed home to Shanghai, but Mum and Dad have assured me they will be back next year for another visit... I can’t wait.  Maybe I won’t have to, if I am lucky enough to score a Visiting Author Day back at my old school sometime soon.  Until then, I will think fondly of one of my favourite readers, and treasure the evening our families shared together down on the pier.


​p.s. Since retuning home, Sofia has become the proud owner of my first two Countdown Mysteries titles, Zodiac and the Missing Diamond, and Yodelling Yolanda, and I can't wait until I can sign them for her.